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I just got back from jogging. It’s surprising to state that statement. I believe it could have been ten years since my last. However I found out recently that I have slightly high cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to engage in vigorous activity on a consistent basis.

It’s the initial instance in my life that my motivation to exercise has been my health status. In my youth, I jogged because I wanted to slim down. At times I ran to alleviate nervousness – I was just running away from the worry, not addressing it. Sometimes, I exercised because I aimed to enhance in running. It signified what it meant to me then to create a better life.

Jogging with altered intent currently got me thinking about the methods I’ve interacted with my body over my lifetime and how this is changing as I progress from youth to midlife. I believe not I’ve valued my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve prized it just for its functions and the aims it served me: trying to attract others; escaping emotions; achieving a quicker five kilometers. Previously, I’ve not understood that I am my body, it embodies my life, as opposed to something that produces results.

Much has been explored over the centuries about the separation between body and mind – a topic you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize in this piece. What has struck me most intriguing is the Freudian perspective that mind and body are developmentally integrated right from the start, because bodily growth demands psychological development and vice versa. The infant’s physical sensations – such as the physical sensation of hunger – motivate the brain to cultivate the capacity to recognise hunger as a feeling that can be sated by a feed; and the emotional comfort and fulfillment regularly delivered by repeated nourishment feeds the child’s mind similar to the milk nourishes them corporally. Similarly psychological experiences – such as the urge to stand up and attain a goal, and the persistence to attempt repeatedly – are why and how the body develops power. Starting at birth, our physical and mental selves are interlinked in reciprocal evolution as integrated as a double helix.

But It’s become clear, during therapy with my analyst, that my consciousness and physique can be in a distinct connection – one less integrated and increasingly manipulative. My consciousness might utilize my body to store and manifest aspects that my psyche deems unwanted or unbearable. During therapy we’ve become aware how exist certain emotions that I fear I can’t handle; instead of sensing them psychologically, I unintentionally push them to my physical self, where they remain as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – which had nothing to do with my diet, but represented a kind of physical reflux of the harsher emotions I was unable to process in my mind. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but once it was raised to my attention by my analyst, and my anxiety and sensitivity and frustration and terror could be felt and expressed verbally instead of converted to corporeal symptoms, it vanished. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues currently.

The worst time I had this intense reflux, I failed to rest for multiple consecutive nights. I felt I was forfeiting my mental stability. I consulted my doctor, who organised various scans and tests, but there was nothing corporally problematic. It was an alternate medic who informed me that the origin could be emotional. My therapist did not disagree. I was surprised, but I recognized it was correct.

Whenever someone experiences a physical symptom, it can be upsetting if told that there might be a mental root. It can seem this as being disrespected, hearing that their condition isn’t real. Certainly such cases occur – people can have their symptoms dismissed or incorrectly identified. Yet occasionally it might be that the physical symptoms are real – without doubt – and the origin is mental, the inner mind employing the body to manifest emotional hurt or fury or whichever sentiment the mind fails to handle. Sometimes, we might assume our feelings only has value if manifested as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our mental states as individuals, collectively and within our culture; for what reason would we tolerate the appalling killing-off of mental health treatments through health services?

My experiences have revealed that an improved existence cannot be created while caught without realization in ways of relating, internally and with others, that stem from devaluation, manipulation and dealings. These interactions are frequently more straightforward to recognize “out there” in broader culture. It’s perhaps harder to consider their origins, and to recognise these shapes personally and within our closest relationships, in the workings of our mental lives.

Yet it’s valuable to continue. When I put my running shoes again after such a long decade, going outside without aiming for a better body, or to get rid of a feeling, or to improve a 5km time, {it